| Author | Message | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6284 Registered: 07-2001 |
Laws from a Consultant’s Notes II* “When it starts, it starts!” Her scarf flew across the tarmac; rescued. She accepted it back, invitation in her voice. “When it’s over, it’s over!” The papers signed, she headed to her mother’s, he downed a shot. The kids waited for someone to help catch butterflies. “Whatever happens is the only thing that could have." Bumble bees rocket in the wind like cannon shot. We stay away from windows, broken glass and street debris. “Whoever shows are the right people." Recital - her father missing, a note dropped. She knows why but doesn’t care about the far away war. *Open Space Technology used for group meetings (Message edited by garyb on January 15, 2006) (Message edited by garyb on January 15, 2006) (Message edited by garyb on January 15, 2006) A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 549 Registered: 08-2004 |
Gary, again, very well spoken. I have a bit of trouble here and believe it to be too obscure: ..., he found a shot. I adore the next two lines. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Deborah P Kolodji
Valued Member Username: dkolodji Post Number: 188 Registered: 04-2005 |
My favorite is the first one, "When it starts, it starts" Deb Deborah P Kolodji www.livejournal.com/~dkolodji www.kolodji.com Editor, Amaze: The Cinquain Journal Amaze: The Cinquain Journal | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6342 Registered: 11-1998 |
Absolutely loved the first one, Mr. B., but these two lines stumped me: "she headed to her mothers, he found a shot." He found a shot? Not sure I'm clear -- bullet, shot of alcohol? Hmmmmmmm, . . . Then this: "She’s why but doesn’t care about the far away war." She's why? I'm sorry, but you're losing me. I thought I'd point out where I was having trouble so you could review. Then again, my mind's kinda fuzzy today, so it may be me. *smile* | ||
| Carol Sanger
New member Username: carolsang Post Number: 13 Registered: 01-2006 |
Should "her mothers" be "her mother's" ? The 2 "shots" (2nd 3rd stanza) rang out for me. All comments fade before how much I like the way you posed each stanza against the line preceding it. Carol | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6287 Registered: 07-2001 |
M and Karen, I never thought the shot as in down a drink would be a problem. I changed to drink a shot to make more clear, but kept it for Carol's reason. Typos fixed also. Sigh. Thanks much for the read. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3788 Registered: 07-2002 |
Gary--a nice set. Thought I still think you have a typo here--or a missing word? She’s why but doesn’t care about the far away war. Best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6289 Registered: 07-2001 |
I fixed that, honest. Sigh again. Thanks. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 557 Registered: 08-2004 |
Excellent edits, Gary. Well done! (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6291 Registered: 07-2001 |
Carol, in case I have not welcomed you, welcome to the wildest... Karen, why we workshop. Thanks. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| steve williams
Board Administrator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 291 Registered: 05-2005 |
Hi Gar wondered about past tense in the first two and then switch to present for the second two. hmm. i had no problem with 'downed a shot' which echoes well later with 'cannon shot' and 'father missing' you almost have a syllabic pattern in these, if you drop 'the' from 'the papers' and change the tense in 'she headed' to 'she heads' then you have all 4 sets starting with lines of 3 and 5 syllables. perhaps there is something there?--not sure how much you wish to stretch the tanka form... i agree, good concept and execution hope this helps s | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2911 Registered: 12-2003 |
Gary, enjoyed. Nicely done.  K | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6310 Registered: 07-2001 |
Steve, I stretch the tanka form until it nearly breaks. As for tense, I actually write these to stand alone, even though they are a set. Thanks, friends, for the read. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed |
